Breathe in... breathe out.

Welp, the holidays have definitely sloooowed down.

I guess Christmas puts a damper on things. I guess so does New Years.
I guess for most that sounds odd, but Christmas around here [my house] is just so... unspirited. I mean, sure, it's a religious/commercial holiday but there's really no difference to most other days of the year. I guess that's why I appreciated being invited to Vanessa's for Christmas Eve, it being the first time in decades [yes I haven't even finished living through two. Get the point.] that I can think of any evident "spirit"... I think I've mentioned this all before. Moving on.

So yeah, New Years. No, it's not really a fresh start, nor can you put all the past behind you. You still carry everything from the previous year into the New Year, but instead you might bring it in with a drink, a dance, a song, a kiss. Some might not.

But that's not the point. So I have choices of what to do on New Years - I should be lucky, there are people out there that don't. The thing is I hate having to choose between them. If I choose one, I have to turn the rest down. My biggest fear is to make someone think less of me because of my actions... perhaps that's also an egocentric problem. My mind is already made up of what I want to do... but I know I'm going to hurt/offend people in my choice.

I'm sorry but it's what I have to do.

Oh right. Sorry, this post is goingn to be a little jumbled, yeah I could just edit it but that's not the way my brain is flowing, nor is it going to be shown in a nicely laid out way. I remember someone that told me how their family celebrated Christmas and it really had an affect on me. I thought, "What a nice family." It was not only about Christmas, but the way their family was in general. There were some completely unselfish things that made me feel good just knowing there are people out there that care in such a way. I must be missing it all.

I feel so bad. People buy me things when really it doesn't matter if they get me anything or not. I mean sure, we all like getting stuff, but I don't give. Yeah, I seem like a selfish bastard now, don't I? I can't remember the last time I've ever bought an individual something for Christmas, not even my best friends... not even Sarah this year. Yeah yeah, we all know how I feel for her and yes I normally wouldn't be so upfront about this, or anything for that matter on here but I guess I'm just in that mood. Whether I like it or not, I know things are different and I'm going to have to live through it. I know you'll probably read this and I guess I already know how you feel from what Jeff told me and it shouldn't be a surprise. I cling on to the hope of the best things far to tightly. I know what I'm about to say may be a little strong but I just don't have the guts to actually say it. Getting to know you is probably the best thing that had ever happened to me. For a period in time I felt on top of the world, I couldn't have asked for more. I know that in our situation it most likely wouldn't have worked [there's a hint of my clinging on to hope still with my select choice of words] and that even now I still never really knew how you felt but in the end I'm glad I've met you and that we're friends. It sucks that we never got to know each other closer but if friends is where it's going to be than friends it is... it's inevitable and it's fine by me. Thanks for being part of my life, I'm sure I've learned a lot and I hope you enjoyed your time as much and I hope this doesn't make anything weird. It's just been killing me inside whenever I'm with you now knowing that "us" is most likely a thing of the past and that I should be moving on that I can't be myself. "I feel so lost. I don't know what to think anymore, I don't know how to act, I don't know where to look. I don't understand what I see anymore and still my mind doesn't want to give up. I am lost. I am amiss." I can't stand that. If it's time to just be friends then we should be just that but for now it's my problem that I need time to work out in my mind and that my distance is not because I can't be close to you.

ugh, I sound like a rambling emo-idiot. I'm sorry I put this all up for all to see but I've got nothing. I just... I just want you to know that I'm absolutley fine with being friends, afterall I'm sure that's all you want, and that if I seem distant, it's not because I don't want to be friends, it's because I just need some time...

Thanks... and goodnight.