Substandard

[this could be a long read... scratch could, will be.]

Wow.

I didn't expect much coming home to tell the truth. Infact, I wasn't sure what to expect. For the most part of the first term I didn't really have the urge to go home but after awhile I had the biggest urge to see a familiar face. So that's what I ran off of.

Then some things were laid on the table that put things into perspective that I really didn't need to hear at the point in time but at the same time probably the best time... Besides, part of me always wanted to know and the other wanted to preserve what was left.

But anyway, things seemed a little sketchy [;)] from then on and I wasn't sure what to think anymore. So I got on a plane, headed home, and here I am now.

So I landed, got picked up by my dad, drove home and Jeff and Justin were waiting on the driveway. That was cool and unexpected. So we talked a bit before my dad kicked us out to wherever we had plans. Justin worked and Jeff and I bussed it to Market to see Sarah. [insert pause for reflection] Turned out she had to go to her grandmother's birthday party so Jeff and I wandered the mall and ate some Famous Wok.

Around 7ish Jeff, Nicole, Sarah and I headed to Schanks for some legal drinks where Caitlin and Jocelyn joined us along with Justin after he got off work. Broken down golfcarts go best after chartreuse. Fast forward a bit. Sarah and Nicole left; Sarah having exams still, and then Jeff, Justin and I went to Timmy's for the usual "late night Timmy run". Although this time it was pretty early.

Sleep, yep. My bed has been altered. I don't get to experience my own bed anymore. I gotta say, my house is a dump. I never noticed how much crap our family has collected. I swear it has gotten worse, or I was just used to it. Frankly I'm embarassed by the state of my home and don't want friends to see it. Sometimes I wonder what they must have thought before when I never noticed how "dumpy" it was. My room is aout the same size as my dorm room, perhaps with altered dimensions yet still my room seems so small. I have so much crap and much more furniture in my room. It feels so cluttered. Perhaps I'll go through my things and end up just chucking everything. [yeah right.] Anyway, the sleep was good although I don't think I got a full night's rest.

Wild Mountain Spicy Chicken was the starter for Monday. Aww yeah. Finally I got to endulge in the greatness that is the spicy chicken. We headed back to Justin's so that Justin and Jeff could study their math and I could help them if needed. Instead there was more of DoD being played and much falling asleep on Justin's floor [my part]. Jeff and I headed to Vanessa's to welcome her back home as did Sarah and Megan just a few minutes after us. After conversing, Sarah headed home to study and Jeff, Megan, Vanessa, and I headed to BP's Lounge for some eats.

Some more sleeping, but not much.

Got up early for an eye appointment. That was the coolest eye appointment ever just because of the irony. I want to be an optometrist and I'm at the optometrist's that's doing what I want to do... yeah shut up. Anyway, I was talking to him and even he said, "Yeah, first year was a wake up call." There's hope. I'm going to change things next semester, I just hope I passed everything... speaking of which, I get to check my marks at 10PM on the 22nd... unofficial, and perhaps not all there, but I might as well rip the tape off quickly.

Anyway, so I got back home and finally got to the have the long awaited shower without sandals on, a shower door, and even a lockable bathroom door. Oh yeah, I was probably in there for a good hour.

I finally got to drive. I went to the mall to pick out new frames and get my prescription updated. I was so excited to drive I totally forgot the mall was going to be friggin' packed seeing as it's Christmas soon. Anyway, didn't end up finding anything I liked so I ordered a second pair of the same frames, updated my lenses, and made the new pair sunglasses. The normal pair was going to be done in an hour so I was like, "Yeah, sure, why not." I was at the mall anyway. I got to spend a good hour not being able to see anything unless it was right in front of me. I pretty much walked around that mall eight times staring at fuzzy colours. At one point I heard someone call out my name but I didn't bother seeing as I wouldn't be able to see Santa Claus giving me the middle finger if he were ten feet in front of me.

So basically I would look at people but I can't make out any distinctions other than hair colour, height, clothing etc. If they looked at me I wouldn't know and I probably looked pretty creepy just staring back. Anyway, I can't really make out faces unless they're around two feet in front of me or so, depending on lighting, situation, etc. I saw someone that I didn't expect to see - well, perhaps never expected to see again seeing as things ended rather strangely between us. Well, I think I saw them, I don't think my crappy eyes would play a trick like that on me. Anyway, back to the point, whatever that may be. It was odd. I can't say I've ever friendship turn so awry like that that you feel uncomfortable when you see them, even after all that what once was is long over. Perhaps it's the thought that the choices I made ruined what could have been a normal friendship. Oh well. It's all history now and I guess seeing as I'm not going to be here two thirds of the year, I don't have much to worry about. I guess I just wonder if they looked back. Afterall, I couldn't acknowledge anyone that looked at me, not even staff in stores because I can't see them. Enough on that.

I picked up my glasses and I was so thankful for a restored vision. For some odd reason I just wanted to walk around the mall one more time and actually be able to see it. For some freakishly odd reason I walked into HMV and ran into Jamie, Jocelyn, Caitlin, and one of their U of A friends, Jeff. Good timing. I decided to hang out, seeing as I hadn't seen Jamie in a long time. We did some store wandering and ate some Mickey D's. mmm. And then Caitlin said something to me that really got me thinking... I wasn't sure what to say. Even when I went home and was just lying in bed listening to music on my stereo and half falling asleep I ran everything through my head. I didn't know what to think. I wasn't sure if it made me happy or sad. It was a little bit of both thrown in, perhaps more of one than the other... I guess it was just a catalyst to thoughts in my head. It's all up in the air, I'm not even sure myself.

Took a nap. Woke up to Vanessa's phone call to pick them up to go to Schanks to see Jeff before he goes to Cali. It was actually Amy S.'s 18th birthday [Yeah, that's right you Ontarian's...] but most of us are gone before he gets back. So we get there and there are a bunch of people from High School. Interesting. A few minutes later even more people, this time people I knew since Elementary school like Scott and Nyle, and then even more came like Nikki and Jazmine, and more like Darti, Jesse, Amy, Elly and more and more. It was so weird. It was the craziest variety of people you could think of. I got to see so many people all in one night when I just expected to go and pretty much chill. I'm still pretty amazed at all the people that randomly showed up at the same place. [haha, Curtis. That's when we left.] On a random note, looks like all the pool playing skills have long gone since I last played. The very odd few survive but for the most part I can't even sink shots I set up myself anymore. Vanessa and I headed to Scott's and watched Three Kings and then headed home.


I feel so lost. I don't know what to think anymore, I don't know how to act, I don't know where to look. I don't understand what I see anymore and still my mind doesn't want to give up. I am lost. I am amiss.

That's all for now. I'm sure there's more but I'll let what's left churn in my mind as I lay here listening to music and contemplating each thought as I drift off to sleep to face another uncalculable day.