In case of emergency, push button to stop elevator.

I hate thinking about it. I get that dull sensation right above the stomach and all I end up thinking is what I wish. As a result I haven't done anything. Part of me wishes I just would and see what comes from it, but at the moment the other half that's telling me not to do anything is winning the battle.

Sometimes something happens and I think, "This is great." and at other times I'm thinking, "I'm just fooling myself." at other times I just plain don't know. Every time it feels different; from one time to another.

One the verge of breaking I just wish it weren't this way. I tell myself it would be so much easier to just pretend it's not there and bury it deep inside. It's been done before, it's worked before, it's hurt before. Why? Why couldn't I just have had a carefree summer and just been able to enjoy it? The more time I have with myself to think, the easier it is to bring myself to tears. Why should something that should be so great cause so much pain?

I think it's fear. A fear of losing something I don't have, a fear of losing something that already is. A fear caused by past experiences, a fear to try what has been tried before and experience the pain again.

A recent conversation gave me hope. A hope to solve this all, atleast temporarily. Even so, I thought about it and the chances of the bad outweighed the good. The ball is not in my court. It's been popped, kicked, and buried in the dirt. I appreciate the help, it got me thinking, hoping, wondering... It pushed emotions but it felt good to get some out.

At this moment I'm more confused than ever. Not more than I day has gone by since I had changed from wanting to just "go for it" and solve the "what if?" question to wishing this were all different. I'm being ripped apart inside and sooner or later I'll collapse. Everything influences what goes on in my head; what's happening, who's with us, what we're doing...

Argh. Sometimes I just wish somehow this hesitation/indecision would just end spontaneously. Perhaps out of nowhere I'll do it myself. Perhaps I'll learn something to push me where I'm needed. Perhaps they'll find out on their own. Perhaps they already know, not that it seems to help at the moment if that's the way it is.

I can't take it anymore. I don't know how much longer I can stand it. Something needs to happen, something needs to be done. I'm fearing I'll give up and live with the "what if" but I know I'd regret it. Please, no. I hate the pain.

I'm starting to think I stay up later and later because I think somehow something will happen or I'll think something that'll help it all.

No sleep. No sleep until I'm done with finding the answer.

Perhaps ten million bucks can buy my happiness. I bought my first lotto 6/49 ticket today for the hell of it. Let's all hope I got lucky. I've always been one to laugh when people say money can't buy happiness. Yeah with ten million bucks I could be happy, but it wouldn't be true happiness. Money isn't everything. I'd give mine all away to just solve everything.

I'm switching the subject myself. I don't want to think about it. I went to a Stampede Breakfast at Market Mall with Sarah, Justin, Jeff, and Dickie. Free food is great. After they left and hung out a bit while I was at an Orthodontist appointment, we, minus Sarah, headed to Sobey's Stampede lunch. Justin and I did some sample hunting.

We watched Sarah kick some major ass in the 800m race she ran and then we headed on down to the Stampede grounds. As we arrived first thing we did was wait for Fefe Dobson to come on the Coca Cola stage. Jeff wanted to hear one song from her while I thought it was gonna be pretty lame. Instead I ended up having a lot more fun than I thought I would have had at a Fefe Dobson concert. Too bad the little kids and the mom's and dad's around Sarah and I didn't share in the fun we were having.

After we heard the song Jeff wanted to hear we headed around the Stampede grounds, checked out some booths in the Roundup Center and watched Jeff play a few games. We watched the fireworks from the grounds where we also saw Darti and Josh T. The fireworks were great but at the same time disappointing for other reasons. Things were just different at the time. I'd like to watch them from whatever the community is that I watched them from last year. I can't believe Stampede will be over soon. Atleast I got to go once with my friends before I leave. Who knows what a year from now will be like. At this time I'm almost wishing I were staying here.

I have an irrational mind right now. I'll have lots of time on my double shift [today] to think to myself.