The most unfortunate of times...
Sometimes someone can say something to you that makes you realize what you've been wondering. Something that just pushes your mind to realize the truth. It takes away that doubt that keeps you on the fence and you finally fall to one side.
The comment wasn't meant to hurt. It wasn't meant to make me jealous. It wasn't meant to make me wonder or wish... but it did it all.
Now I face a dilemma, one that has come up once before but in a different situation. Others, I'm sure, face it now whether they know it or not. What do I do? Do I sit back and let it all just run it's course? Do I stand by my mind or follow the heart? Which will cause pain, joy, jealousy, or destruction? I have nothing to work with except myself.
Realization hit first - and it hit me hard. Questions that lingered in my mind were answered and left me speechless. Do I dare respond? Do I tell them what I feel? Ignore it. Pretend it has no effect.
Jealousy hit second. What if? What would I do if "if" happened? Could it happen? Could it happen to me? Would I sit back and do nothing? Should I sit back and do nothing? How would things change?
I began to wonder. I began to wish. What could happen if I did do something? What would be the result? How would that affect everything else? Why couldn't I? Why couldn't it? Why would they...?
There's no way. Nah, it wouldn't happen. Don't even try. It won't work.
Why now? At the most unfortunate of times. To start would mean to end so soon. To do nothing is to reject myself of the chance and perhaps feed a hidden jealousy. To try and fail would be to ruin what is already good.
"Why?"
The most fitting of all questions in my mind. On it's own or with an addition, the question makes me wonder. I wonder about it all.
I've told someone before that if I were to face the situation I wouldn't do a thing. Now that I face the situation, I'm sure I could prove myself wrong. But is it worth it... Someone hinted that it was obvious, or were they just guessing? Perhaps they were just joking. I did what I do best - I hid from it. I avoided the situation and pretended I knew nothing, and yet at the same time, thought I knew something. To converse more would mean to solve the questions in my head. The conversation never happened and left me unanswered.
Now that they are solved, I thought it would make me feel better. In some ways it does, but in others it doesn't. With an added element, it just makes the situation more confusing - and even kind of sad.
Again... the most unfortunate of times.
The comment wasn't meant to hurt. It wasn't meant to make me jealous. It wasn't meant to make me wonder or wish... but it did it all.
Now I face a dilemma, one that has come up once before but in a different situation. Others, I'm sure, face it now whether they know it or not. What do I do? Do I sit back and let it all just run it's course? Do I stand by my mind or follow the heart? Which will cause pain, joy, jealousy, or destruction? I have nothing to work with except myself.
Realization hit first - and it hit me hard. Questions that lingered in my mind were answered and left me speechless. Do I dare respond? Do I tell them what I feel? Ignore it. Pretend it has no effect.
Jealousy hit second. What if? What would I do if "if" happened? Could it happen? Could it happen to me? Would I sit back and do nothing? Should I sit back and do nothing? How would things change?
I began to wonder. I began to wish. What could happen if I did do something? What would be the result? How would that affect everything else? Why couldn't I? Why couldn't it? Why would they...?
There's no way. Nah, it wouldn't happen. Don't even try. It won't work.
Why now? At the most unfortunate of times. To start would mean to end so soon. To do nothing is to reject myself of the chance and perhaps feed a hidden jealousy. To try and fail would be to ruin what is already good.
"Why?"
The most fitting of all questions in my mind. On it's own or with an addition, the question makes me wonder. I wonder about it all.
I've told someone before that if I were to face the situation I wouldn't do a thing. Now that I face the situation, I'm sure I could prove myself wrong. But is it worth it... Someone hinted that it was obvious, or were they just guessing? Perhaps they were just joking. I did what I do best - I hid from it. I avoided the situation and pretended I knew nothing, and yet at the same time, thought I knew something. To converse more would mean to solve the questions in my head. The conversation never happened and left me unanswered.
Now that they are solved, I thought it would make me feel better. In some ways it does, but in others it doesn't. With an added element, it just makes the situation more confusing - and even kind of sad.
Again... the most unfortunate of times.
Give no decision till both sides thou'st heard. - PhocylidesThe most appropriate of quotes...
2 Comments:
Ahh... a complicated Woo.
Before you ask others, ask yourself.
Is it worth it? Of course it is. If it wasn't, you wouldn't be bothering with it in the first place. If you do decide to, are you prepared for the repercussions?
Realization gave you hope. So use it, build on it, if you stop now, the chance may never come again. "Fear not for the future, weep not for the past". Do not regret the things you did, but the things you didn't do.
You doubt yourself again, but the possiblity exists, and has faced you in the past and again in the present. Even if it were to end soon, wouldn't you feel better to know that you had given it life? That you let it happen instead of repressing it again? I know the feeling, of sitting back and watching it fade. It sucks. Fuck. I hate myself for it, and I will always wonder, What could have happened? Frankly, why the fuck not Eric? Methinks your summer would be 100x better if you did. You have friends out there to support you and your decisions.
If I am indeed correct, you owe me a million dollars (and a shooting range!). And it might get a little awkward. Maybe I joke a little too often :Þ.
If not, than damn, I bet I was close.
But for today, go out, get drunk, worry about it later. But watch the later. Go Woo Go!
Waiting, and watching.
Do it. You will always regret it if you never tried. Be true to your heart, but even more importantly, be true to yourself. The meaning of life is found through experience, and you'll see that you'll learn a lot about yourself, whether it turns out good or bad. Communicate, be attentive, if you don't know, ask. If you feel something, say so. Let whatever happen, as it happens; there's no "set" way to go about it..just go with what you feel. Giving in to your fears will get you nowhere, speaking from personal experience, so ask yourself, what are you really afraid of?
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