Self-inflicted Insomnia

Blah. I have a love hate relationship for sleep. I love it because it feels so good and because I'd just die without it. I hate it because there's just so much more to life than to sleep through half of it. I wish our bodies didn't need so much sleep, perhaps an hour or so a day would have been nice. There's so much more to experience.

This is a redundant topic to some other posts.

Perhaps I'll go to bed...

My Brutal Romance

The title has nothing to do with anything, I just think it sounds cool, as do any other "My ______ Romance" string of words. Obviously inspired by the insational My Chemical Romance. That dude has some fucking kick-ass charisma.

Anyway. Today was a very pleasant day if I must say so myself. Classes were on the whole good. "Good" meaning I stayed awake through all of them and for the most part wasn't thinking "What the hell is going on?". The sun was out. That seems to be a rarity in these parts. Compared to the bright ass Calgary skies, it always seems to be overcast in my heart- just kidding, in these parts. [That reminded me of something hence why I said that. I'm a loser.]

I aced my Linear Algebra Quiz #1 which as many of you know would make me one happy camper. I didn't get to do nearly as much studying as I planned on doing today, but hopefully tomorrow will be much better.

In other news, I guess as an update for many that I haven't talked to in awhile [most.], I applied to be a Don. Pretty much a RC, or RA, or whatever you guys call them. I've also found a place to stay for housing for the next 4 years or so [depending on if I'm a Don for a year] and it's a pretty sweet deal. I'll be living with six girls and one other guy, [Yes, insert your comment here.] which should be a little odd at first but I'm sure I'll get used to it as I get used to a lot of things [like failing mid-terms!... or anything academic for that matter. :P]. A lot of people have told me "Have fun with that." with the sarcastic tone in their voice. I don't think it should be bad. I've had a quite clean record of getting along with people [as long as we get to know each other] and I don't anticipate any problems with these people [many I'm just beginning to meet].

We sign on Monday. This whole housing kind of fell on top of me out of nowhere. I didn't know what I was going to do and I didn't really plan on doing anything until I knew about my Donning status. I ended up only looking at this house because I heard about it and thought it was sweet... and because I was bored. But anyway, it turned out they needed eight people in order to get the house and they only had six confirmed. The other two pending were Colin and Yam. Now that Colin had seen the place he was in. Yam however was undecided. I thought the place was sweet. Super sweet. I thought that if I were Yam I would be in also. I was just there to see the place, but I was asked what I was doing for my housing situation and frankly I had little to none. I didn't want to impose myself perhaps living in the same house but in the end I guess it all worked out that I just might be. [assuming no one signs it before us.]

Uhh... I kinda wrote this on and off and now I lost my purpose. So... that's about it for now I guess.

"Can you stake my heart?"

Vampires are so fucking cool.

Questions

That's interesting...

I just woke up from a half hour nap which felt more like a few hours. I guess that's a good thing. That happened a few days ago too. Perhaps that just means I'm really in a deep rest or something.

This time was a little odd. Have you ever had an indepth dream in a 30 minute nap? Have you ever had a dream that tugged at your emotions so strongly? Have you awoke from that dream not sure if it was a "nightmare" or not?

I don't know what to think. In a ways it was a sad dream. I guess I can't say it was a nightmare, it didn't frighten me... I don't know what it means but this time it must mean something.

What provokes what we dream about? Does it have to do with what's on your mind before going to sleep? Does it have to do with what you were doing before going to sleep? I can't recall any matrices or crystal lattice structures in my dream so that can't be it. Perhaps dreams spring from conflicting ideas in the deep roots of your mind. Maybe it brings forth the truth behind a subconcious question that's been tugging at your insides. Maybe it means nothing.

Maybe it means everything...

The mind is a beatiful thing to waste.

So my whole plan of going to sleep by 11PM every night didn't happen last night. I need to keep working on that. This weekend was quite interesting. Well, not really but you can hear about it anyway. Friday I ended up going to bed at 11:30PM and waking at about 10. I stood in the shower for a good 20 minutes, got dressed, and then went and bought toast in the caf. I never buy toast, let alone a breakfast that doesn't consist of one Quaker Chewy Strawberry Yogourt Granola Bar [they don't have the Vanilla. :P] After that I headed to the second floor of the main Village 1 building which was completely empty and I just sat there and read for an hour or so. I ended up falling asleep a bit so I decided to just take a nap right there. I ended up waking up to hearing footsteps on the stairs so I headed back to my room. I played some pool and some foosball later on and headed to a Physics help session that ended up being completely worth going to [for me.] I went to bed that day at about 11 and woke up on Sunday at 8:50. I locked myself in all day and worked with the occassional half hour break for lunch and dinner. Surprisingly I didn't get too much done, but tons more than I ever would. I figure locking myself in my room for a whole day works for me. I used to just go home and do work during high school, why not here?

As much work as I did yesterday, I'm still not closer to where I should be in readings and work as I should be. I just don't seem to have the smarts anymore to be able to not go over something we learned in class again and still be able to know it like I did. Today in class kind of scared me. In almost each class we would go over things that I should know. We woudl go over things that aren't hard at all and my mind would just go blank. I'm worried that I'm not going to do as well as I want to this term either. My goal was over 80% average this term but at the moment it seems so far away. On top of that I hate thinking about my first term marks, which are now official. My total average was a crappy and embarassing 72.769%. If I had gotten that in high school, or any other year for that matter, I would have shot myself a long time ago. :P What's even worse is my plan average is 68.667%. What happened to the other 31.333%? That's a third of everything missing.

My marks frankly disgust me. It sucks knowing that there are so many other people out there that to them everything is a breeze. It doesn't seem right to know that I used to be like that, that I used to be dissapointed if I didn't get 100%. Now I'm happy with anything over 75%, sometimes I'm just happy if I pass. I don't know what I'm doing but it's not working. Either I was inherently smart before and that magic has faded or I was a hard worker and I'm not pulling my weight now. I guess it could be a mix of both... but even so, everyday I just wish I had those smarts once again.

At the moment, I'm at the bottom of the barrel for Optometry. Unless I slap on atleast 15% more onto my plan average, I better start thinking about another profession.

Anyway, enough wasting time here. Time for something productive.

Life's not a total bitch.

Yeah, okay, so I was a little frustrated last week as you can tell, but turns out I actually got 66% on that quiz [which still sucks, but atleast it's not a fail... and for the life of me I can't understand Physics. Ironically my highest science mark last term.]

I figure I have the potential to do extremely well in University. I mean, afterall, I had the work habit and I guess I am capable enough to learn what I need to learn. I just can't seem to get myself to focus. If I'm sitting in my room I have to find something to distract myself it seems. Checking E-mail, organizing music, Googleing people lol; it all piles up. Oh, and not forgetting the random urge to leave my room that I always have. I mean, I like my room, I just seem to have an addiction to being around other people. I don't even care if I know them or not it seems. If no one in the building is around, I'll think, "What can I get from the caf...?" just so I can walk through the caf. And then when there are people around the floor or the house, I spend a few minutes in a few rooms and voila, it's 2 in the morning. I kick myself every time but I don't seem to learn.

The irony in this all is that when I'm in class, I mostly try to keep to myself. I don't know why, perhaps it's because I feel so guilty for socializing so much outside of class that I need to try and balance it by not socializing in class. At the beginning of the year I would try and be a little social in classes, but I guess being all alone in a completely different province I felt a little intimidated.

Shrug. Today I tried to change that and revert back to my normal self. Perhaps if I get myself to the person I was before than everything will fall back into place; that including my study habits. So anyway, I met some interesting people today in my program [funny that I seem to be just doing that now... only four and a half months of being in my program.] not that I hadn't met others before. Just before it was like, "Hey, you-me, same program, cool." I don't know. I had this strange notion in my head when coming here that I was here to just learn, get what I needed done, and be happy in my job in the later years to come. How wrong I was. I'm not that kind of person, I always have to get to know people it seems.

Anyway, it's time to set things back to normal. I need to get my study habits fixed, do less slacking off outside of class, and return to my normal sociable self in-class. Well... not too sociable.

Oh, and still haven't gotten to knowanyone from Alberta yet, met one and never saw them again... but I met someone from Manitoba! That's amazing in itself seeing as everyone seems to be from Ontario... and have learned matrices in high school. :P That's a different story, oh well.

Anyway [how many times can I say anyway?] hopefully this has been sufficient enough for some of you to read.

Random notes:

1. Need to stop swearing.
2. I got a watch! [Wearing a watch is odd, but so fascinating.]
3. iTunes prompts if you want to move your music to the Recycle Bin when you clear your playlist. I hit yes by accident which would be no problem if I had enough hard drive space. I didn't have enough space so it filled the drive with the "recycled" files, and the rest got deleted. That's for any of you wondering. [I've gotten about 50% back, the rest was probably pretty crappy and lots are still at home.]

Okay, enough typing. I'm exhausted, perhaps I should try going to bed by 11PM, that would be a miracle.

Life's a bitch.

And it's good at it. I'm putting ten times more effort into this term and yet still my first quiz I fail. Sure it's one of perhaps 10 for Physics of only three questions (33%) but for fuck's sake. I do all the practice questions and I understand them all and then I do the quiz. It seems a little tougher but all in all do-able. I check my mark and a good fail. Way to kick off my second term.

Fuck off... what do I have to do to finally do well. University and I just don't get along.

Shazaaaam!

Why am I writing this? I found myself "creating a new post" for no reason. Frankly I have no idea if I had any intention to write about something, but instead nothing at all.

Perhaps it's some sort of addiction to write something down. Yeah, "write". That brings me to the thought I had today of writing letters. I can't remember the last time I ever sent a handwritten letter to someone. Nowadays it's all emails. Hrm, I don't know what I would say in a letter, afterall, it's gotta be the 45+ cents it's worth and the usually long ass wait for the other person to receive it. Old fashioned mail is cool and at the same time so lame. I wonder how you could make pieces of mail really interesting. Maybe you can put designs and stuff on the outside... or have some sort of "outside the box" kind of letter or something of the sort.

I miss drawing. I used to like to draw but I can't think of anything I would want to draw. I'm probably not very good at it anymore.

Anywho. Yep. Stuff.

My Chemical Romance

So I remember Justin and Jeff would always play this one song and I'd always hear it and ask,
"Who's that by?"
"My Chemical Romance."

So I'm sitting here listening to their new album, I'm halfway through, and so far, friggin' awesome.

And I fucking love the name.

In life we shall dream. In dreams we shall live.

I have taken a greater appreciation to listening to music while I sleep. Last night was a very odd sleep. First of all, I went to bed at 11:30, which is like 9:30 Calgary time. That was probably the first time I had gone to sleep before midnight in... years. Anyway, I woke up around 2:30AM, I think 2:37AM to be exact from an awesome dream. Everything was perfect but I knew that it wasn't like that beforehand, that it somehow went from now to the way it was in the dream. The strange thing is that what made everything better was the music. In this dream I could hear the music distinctly along with anyone else in the dream. I enjoyed it, everyone enjoyed it. It somehow brought everything together to create a pleasant and perfect environment. Upon waking it felt as though I had awoken normally, like a night of good rest. I almost couldn't fall asleep and I actually thought to myself that I had a full night's rest, the best I sleep I had felt in awhile.

I of course fell asleep again only to experience the same sleep I had before, not as memorable, but it had the same feelings that the previous dream did. This time as I lay in bed after waking the song ended and changed before I fell asleep again and soon enough I was waking up to my alarm. I have four alarms in my room but when the first alarm went off I didn't end up turning it off and going back to sleep waiting for the other three alarms to go off. For the first time I felt as though I had enough sleep. A friend even told me "You didn't look like crap this morning." I thought that was pretty funny.

Anyway, who knows what these dreams meant, afterall, it's all in the hidden meanings.

{The Smashing Pumpkins - Perfect}

Hidden meanings

Oh I'm so emo.

That's the thing with hidden meanings, they're hidden so no one knows the real meaning, but then it's all over their heads so there was really no point of it in the first place. So why do it?

For the chance that they might find the real meaning...

Ah yes, more "guy talk" but without the granduer of Tim Hortons. Way to not be awake enough to contribute your thoughts, Jeff. Whorebasket.

Back in Waterloo once again.

It's only been a few hours and I already miss home. I miss being around friends, well, Calgary friends. It's just so much fun all the time, not that Waterloo friends aren't fun lol.

I haven't done much unpacking, I really should seeing as all my luggage is on my bed...

Anyway, so the plane that I was to board was delayed by 45 minutes so I just sat there and read through the yearbook. The flight was good and the onboard movie was "Wimbledon". When we landed, the plane didn't have any electricity so we weren't allowed off the plane for a bit, and then on top of that our luggage was delayed for about half an hour for no apparent reason. Perhaps it was something to do with connecting flights, international flights, etc. since everything was all delayed and backed up. Getting from Toronto to Waterloo wasn't bad, I just had to order a bus to take me there instead of the normally [and much cheaper] busses. In all, the whole ordeal took about ten and a half hours but I'm just glad that's over. Now I have to face school. blah.

Anyway, later.

Whoops.

Oh yay. So I'm screwed getting from Toronto to Waterloo lol. My plane lands at 6:56 and the last Airways Transit bus is at 6:15 or something like that.

Oh well, looks like an adventure.

I guess I could have prevented this but time flew so quickly :P.

Anyway, gotta cut this short, gotta pack still.

{Goo Goo Dolls - Iris}

It's that time again...

32 hours until I head to the airport. [11 AM Mon. 3rd.]

I thought I had more to say when I thought about writing this but I've just drawn a blank. This holiday was over much too quickly and ended up being a whole lot different then I expected it to be.

Uhh... Wow, I really did forget what I wanted to write...

Going to Waterloo this time is definitely not as big of a deal as it was the first time. A lot of things have changed since then and the second time around won't nearly be as dramatic or emotional...

New Years was pretty much the "see ya later" for Vanessa since she'd be busy all of the second and leaves super early the third. This time there was no Jeff, he's in California with his family even though he'd rather not be, and there was no Dickie, who's now living in Nova Scotia. Things went much smoother this time around as will 32 hours from now most likely.

I plan on waking up in about 6 hours, packing as much as possible hoping not to forget anything, perhaps do something between then and dinner with "the Asians" and perhaps something after, if not, more packing...

Hrm. I can't seem to come up with anything to write so back to daily stuff.

Went bowling for the first time in about ten years [I thought it was eight, but I was wrong] which was wickedly fun. I went with Laura, Kyle, Kevin, and Lee [the import] whom I hadn't seen all holiday [although Lee recalls seeing me at Schanks on the 19th... lol] and afterwards we went to Schanks for wings. mmmm. Just thinking about those hot wings again is making me salivate. Those were redonkulously good. Ah, it's always good times catching up with friends you haven't seen in awhile. There will definitely be more come summer [and definitely lots of parties.]

Oh, that reminds me. New Year's Resolution. I've never actually made any before but this time I think I will. It's going to be to manage my time better. In doing so, I'll be able to 1. Have more time to keep in touch with friends [because you all know how little I did. :(], 2. Get more sleep, 3. Have more time to do work which in turn results in better grades and thus a more positive composure [because we all know my life revolves around my education... :P *coughlosercough*. Well, not mywhole life...]

I've suddenly lost interest in writing any more.

{Saves The Day - Freakish}

The year in review...

Okay, so not really.

I got back from Megan's at around 1:30 from our relaxing New Year's/goodbye to Vanessa. I can't believe it's almost been the whole sixteen days I have in Calgary. Although I've had a ton of fun, it seems as though I missed out on a lot of potential... Things are the same and also so different.

Anyway, the year is fresh and after I got home I really started to think about last year. Last year has probably been the most interesting year so far of my comparably short lifespan. Many new experiences; good and bad, and many highs and lows. Being the emo kid everyone knows I am [and if you don't then you really don't know me that well :P] I decided to read some of my old posts.

It's nice to re-live some of the good memories although some can strike a different chord at the same time. I was most surprised at how many things I posted never occured... a seemingly long list of failures and false hopes. And then there are the few things that did occur. Some of the unanswered questions I had once before I now know the answer to, some old thoughts that I can definitely agree with, etc. But most effective of all are the memories, some instantly bring a smile to my face while others a tear.

I spent probably a good hour reading a decent amount of my entries, mostly up until I moved. There are many that stuck out based on content and how well [in my own opinion] I wrote them [although most seem to be the same subject] and also importance in my life but the one entry that sticks out the most is Five Zero Zero, a post that started off as nothing and turned into a something.

I'm glad I created this thing. To some people it's great, to others it's lame and stupid. To me it's something I can use to keep in touch, express, remember, and re-live.

Anyway, the year in review is looking okay. When I think of it, I can't really remember anything significant at the start of the year. My life then wasn't much of a life. I guess in grade twelve it started to be something and from then on it was a mix of everything. The bad was bad but the good was great and so it all evened out, perhaps even made it all worthwhile. Let's see what this year has to offer, afterall, it's going to be completely different from the rest, just like last year...

Again with the late night post. Random thought: I miss writing the long "reflect on life" posts, along with the "emo" posts. Well... not really seeing as I have to be in that mood to post them, but more like I miss the amount of meaning this blog had before. Lately it has become so retarded in the fact that it's an overcap of what I've done. I'm becoming lethargic in my expression of feelings. Perhaps because sometimes in the end it just really doesn't matter. Perhaps sometimes it just doesn't change a thing... Perhaps sometimes it changes everything.

Enjoy what's good. That's life for ya.

[okay, it got a little emo.]

EDIT: New poll. Last poll, "How is your holiday going so far?" had 1 "good", 1 "up to par", and 1 "this is no holiday...". Hopefully it was better for the rest if you.