It's true... money can't buy you happiness.

Spending a few hundred dollars sure keeps your mind off things, but everywhere you go, everywhere you look, something reminds me of all the things I've ruined. Songs played at the bar, roads we drove down together, places we've been... it hurts to know that I had to give it all up because my heart and my mind aren't synchronised. I come home and instantly I start crying reading about the pain I've caused you. I wish I could change the way things were.

I just don't know if everyone understands why... why this has happened, why I chose to do what I did. I didn't choose to do this to be easier on myself, infact I think it's much harder. I could have taken an easier route but that would end me off in a worse situation than I am now, and frankly I don't think I could live with that...

All I seem to do best at is hurt people...

Yesterday, I broke my heart. Twice.

I wake up today feeling as though everything was a dream. Then I look around and realize this horrible dream is my life.

Still, thirty-one hours later I lay in bed, wiping the tears away. Although I did what was necessary so as not to hurt anyone more later, it still pains me inside. I gave up happiness for honesty, and for honesty, friendship.

Happy memories only bring tears.

I think this is possibly the worst day of my life. Tell me God, what was your plan? To see how high you could drop me from before I give up? Why was I brought into existence to endure such torture? and constantly? Why must I be given a taste of happiness every once in awhile only to find myself with my head in a noose?

Pull the plank from under me, I've had enough. By act of God save me from this pain just as easily as you give it. Either that or show me some sign of a life I want, a life I imagined, a life I want to live.

Oh, it hurts to always have to be honest with the one that you love...

I can't stop crying. Everything is a reminder of better days.

I'm so sorry.

This is the worst I could ever do...

I just seem to hurt.
Others, and inside.
I never planned to.
I never meant to.
I never thought anything like this would ever happen.
You aren't crying alone.


I'm sorry.

...and the sky opened up with the soil of the sun

It's Friday, one last shift before the weekend. However next week I don't get Saturday off, but instead Friday.

-----

What has come from this summer? ...wish I knew. Sometimes I just wonder what things would be like if I never came home or if I never left at all in the first place. It was close to happening. What would have changed? What wouldn't have?

We aren't entirely smooth.

It's always about the different things that could happen with me. Always. It's like a repeating mosaic in my head.

This is the price you pay for loss of control. This is the break in the bend, this is the closest of calls...

I'm concentrating on falling apart.

Sweet

I get paid 7.75 instead of 7.50 just because they like me. :)

Not very interesting post.

So I guess the first day of work wasn't so bad afterall. It's not too hard to get used to the process, a few screw-ups but you learn. It's got some up's and down's on top of Zellers. I'd rather be working at a job that would help me go somewhere but oh well. That's the way the sticks were drawn.

I'm starting to regret the whole 4-midnight shifts... I really do think I'll miss out on everything. I mean, it's 2:30 and I have to be at work in 7 and a half hours already [earlier shift]. I got to spend half an hour with Dickie, and Sarah, and then about an hour with Jeff before I realized I had to get up early.

I suppose that's what I'll be getting thus far. Shifts that start when my day normally does, and then the shift just gets slower and slower as the day progresses, afterall, people love to shop at midnight. :P

Well, I guess it's better to be paid to do nothing than just sit around and do nothing... although the latter gives some freedom.

Things have a way of happening whether you expect it or want it to at all.

Time can take it's toll on the best of us

Well, today's the first day on the job. A 4 to midnight shift.

I don't seem to be as happy being employed as I thought I would. Perhaps now that I'll be getting mainly evening shifts it'll just seem like the days are gone to work.

Hopefully the money is worth the time.

BLOGS: PAST THEIR PRIME?
---
WOO (CGY, AB)

---

........LONG AGO, A PHENOMENON KNOWN AS BLOGGING SWEPT across the minds of a handful of Calgarians, many of whom attended Bowness High School. Blogging seemed to turn into an outlet for their blooming young minds.
........As many may not believe, blogging isn't a recent discovery. Originally the term 'blog' was a short term used for 'weblog' where people would 'log' about websites that they had encountered and found interesting or enlightening. Nowadays many people young and old have used a form of blogging whether through services such as LiveJournal, Blogdrive, MSN MySpace, and the ever booming popularity of Blogger (owned by Google). These people however have changed the defintion of blogging into a way of expressing one's thoughts and feelings.
........At one time, the blogging phenomenon had been at a booming prime. Blogs left and right were being created, posts were endlessly being created through the torrent of emotions and feelings that people direly had to express. Blog traffic had been ever so high. Just as the passion that those that created blogs had in them to create pieces of writing, viewers had the same passion to read. Some out of boredom, some out of wonder, and some out of communication. Every viewer has had a reason to look at someone's blog.
........Blogs have been used to keep in touch in a ways with others. In these fast and hectic times of the world we live in today, people find it hard to spare the time doing everything that they wish they could do. A quick message left on one's blog seemed good enough at times for the viewers to catch up on what they missed. A quick comment left thereafter - a quick, yet not so instant message.
........In this present day and age though, the world of blogging seems to have taken a turn. Of course, not all blogs everywhere have. In their own little groups of connected bloggers, each experience a boom and a bust. This such group of bloggers seems to be in a bust.
........No longer are the blogs flourishing with new posts every few days and sometimes even hours. No longer are the visitors flocking to read what's on someone's mind or what's been happening in their life. No longer do the electronic words bounce off the screen with flair or style. The words have no exuberance, no passion, no life.
........The heart of our blogs are dying. Give meaning to the words. Give them a reason to be read. Give them life.

Your blogs are dying. Save them; give them your heart.

[Eric Woo is the author and editor of The Life of Woo³; an online blog based out of Calgary, Alberta and Waterloo, Ontario. He can be reached by clicking on the comment link below.]

Why?

I had this conversation earlier...

It's funny that last summer I had a job throughout the whole time and all I wished was some more time off to do stuff when this summer I've had nothing to do and no job. Strange... Speaking of jobs, I finally have one. After my interview today, I got hired to work at Super Drug Mart up in Crowfoot. $7.50 an hour and for the first week I already have 40 hours. I start on monday, just a few hours after I register my classes. Hopefully those go well and I don't cut it close to going to work. :P

Anyway, the real purpose to yet another laying-in-bed-about-to-go-to-sleep-blog is about life. I suppose not as general as just plain life.

I've always lived my life thinking that no matter what is happening, somehow it will turn out fine, or atleast liveable... or something along those lines. Basically I haven't been killed or killed myself. :P Not that I would. I just... it seems like I believe in fate to an extent. I always thought that you have control over the outcome but at the same time thought what's happening is what's supposed to happen.

So really, why is it that some things happen the way they do? Or why is it that no matter how hard you try to avoid something, all of a sudden it's instantly infront of your face. You try to avoid it some more but you realize it's back. What do you do? Why is it that some things just never change at all or somethings that you'd want just don't happen? What is the point of going through so many different scenarios? I suppose you learn something from everything. Still... people say that learning isn't always easy, and so that must mean life isn't either.

Why certain things happen is a mystery to me. Why certain things happen after the first thing happened and so forth is a mystery to me. Why must life always change? Why does it sometimes fall back onto a previous state? Why?

All my life I wonder "Why?". Why me? Why this? Why that? Why now? Why not?

I'll keep wondering why... and then I'll see what life either has planned for me, or experience what my actions have created for myself...

Aw crap

I've screwed up my sleep patterns for good now.

I came home at like 2:40AM and my brother is playing Battlefield 2. He's like, "Have a try." Next thing I know, it's 6:45AM. Well, atleast I don't have a job to go to in few hours or something. A birthday to celebrate but that's at night so atleast I won't be tired... hopefully.

Speaking of tired, my body is still kinda sore from skateboarding. And that was like two or three days ago. Today I did some light biking with Megan while Sarah ran because it was like midnight so we figure it's probably not safe to go running in the middle of the night alone. Perhaps my legs will have some excercise this summer. Well, my everything seeing as I never do any physical activity anyway.

Hopefully Rogers will call sometime. Apparently they need help and they're going to call people starting next week or so.

That brings me to the whole money spending. I don't really think I've slowed my spending any... I stopped for a bit but then I think I made up for it in the past few days... and still I have no income, not one slight bit. Although there were the two small jobs. Atleast the net flow of cash isn't as negative as it usually is.

Let's hope for that job. And let's hope I wake up sometime earlyish...

Busy Day

Today was indeed a busy day.

First of all at 9AM I got picked up by Sarah to go babysit her cousins. I figured I don't have a job and I don't have anything else to do, why not? All in all it was pretty fun. They're cool/cute kids. Sarah however beat me with a Ninja Turtles sword. After we were starving so we ordered some Joey's Only Seafood and wolfed that food down. I was eating so fast I ate part of my plastic fork. Mmm.

So later on in the day I went out to Millennium for the first time in ages to go skateboard [also for the first time in ages] with Jeff M and Sean T. They biked and Sean did some skating too. I'm quite rusty, I can't do a quarter of the things I could do [not that I could do much in the first place].

It was going good and then I ate shit once just rolling down the big pyramid because I was being retarded or something. Not too bad though. Jeff and Sean pulled off some sweet stuff on their bikes.

We went to get pizza and Sean got to seem some saggy phat fat boob from some drunk girl. The other girl wanted to do him. lol One of them took a sip of my water so I decided that the herpe water should not be drunk.

Anyway, I feel sore from physical activity. I don't do much, wait, any normally.

All in all, good day.

No more spending money...

No income = no spending. They're called savings for a reason. :P

Wings

Like a bird that grew up in a zoo with it's wings clipped.

It knows nothing but of life in the zoo.
It can't survive on it's own in the wild.
It depends on the zoo for food, shelter, and every other necessity in life.
It's gawked at by others and praised at it's beauty unaware that he will nevertheless go nowhere unless something changes.
It lives with the other birds in it's cage only to occassionally communicate with other birds in other cages.
It sees other birds that can or are learning to fly and can only hope that one day, it can join them.

This bird can not soar. This bird can not live by it's self.

Thia bird is trapped in it's cage... for now.

Blades of Steel

I have completed the Junior and College tournaments, now as Blades of Steel tells me, it's now off to the pros.

My left thumb is starting to get used to the whole constant pressing of the D-Pad. Also, in related Nintendo blogging, apparently Duckhunt doesn't work on a black and white TV. It just hits no matter what. Lame.

In other news, went to Schanks with Jamie, Jamie's cousin Tyler, and Jocelyn where I saw Emily and a whole bunch of their U of A friends. Many of whom they had lived with. It was quite the awkward social situation but Sarah and Megan showed up. I also bumped into STEPH, THE COOLEST GIRL THAT LOVES GREEN. lol Sarah and I then went to Megan's to chill out. We bumped into Nicole W. as we were leaving which was nice, and then I finished off the College tournament on Blades of Steel. And now to get my rest to take on the Pros... [I know, it's sad...]

Tomorrow is the day I shall put in my Rogers Video application. Everyone cross your fingers and hope I get a job... I need it. Apparently my University education, my extracurricular activities, previous job experience, and living in the "easiest city to get a job" as according to the news doesn't help me.

Well, atleast I might be able to garnish my resume with "Rogers Video Customer Service Representative" instead of some lame "Shoppers Optical Sales Associate" or something along the lines of something that actually helps my life...

Fucking society... [I didn't plan on this ending in an angry note, but that's the way things go.]

Belated One Year

So I started this blog on May 26, 2004. I must say, a lot of stuff has happened in that time and a lot of stuff has changed. I suppose there are some things that have stayed the same. All of which has either not been too surprising or has... which doesn't sound very unnatural I suppose.

I guess it's just I'm at awe of what can happen in one year and what can stay the same. Some things at one time you think won't ever change but things happen and they do. What you believe would happen in the future may or may not have happened.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, but I guess it's basically the fact that some things have changed and as many are good, some can be bad, or a little bit of both. Either way you can't go back if you wanted to... but sometimes you just wonder.

Well, it's been a good day with friends, from some nice drives, seeing a friend I haven't seen in awhile [That's you Jo ;), sorry I didn't get to call you today!], some Nintendo, some more Nintendo, shooting stuff, Nott's.

I guess life's just got me thinking of... well, life. I think tomorrow [well, today] I'm going to just spend some time to read what I've blogged about thus far. See what has changed, and what surprisingly hasn't...

Some things are just unforgettable and some are. This blog is my reminder of my time, although it may not be all of them, they still bring back memories. Sure, I may have hundreds of posts, but to me they bring me back to those times and I recall more than what's put down, and that is what's special.


I wonder if that's coherent...

Stupid Zellers.

lol I had this weird dream. A bunch of people, a mix of people from Waterloo, from Calgary, and from TV lol were I guess in University but it was kind of like my house but not really... it just seemed nicer, and bigger. Well anyway, some random stuff would go on and for some reason everyone just seemed to watch the OC but it was kind of just life instead of TV. Anyway, it somehow ended up we were at a gas station across the border and we had an inflatable pool. Everyone was filling it up and then some girl was like, "Uhh, I don't think it's working." so we're all looking for the leak and finally we find the giant hole a little off center and someone asks, "How'd that hole get there?" and someone replies, "It's from an airplane turbine." What the fuck? So I think about it and say, "How exactly were we going to get this back to Canada?"

Oh right, and before that I was at some big park place and it had a bunch of really big climbing structures, perhaps a few stories tall. The place was surrounded by trees and for some reason I had a digital camera and was trying to take pictures. I guess the park was closing and as I'm leaving and trying to take pictures, it somehow turned into winter. Some of the structures had big wooden plank bridges, or you could choose to walk across one rope while holding onto another rope for balance. Anyway, all of a sudden I'm in what appears to be Zellers... lol

So I'm running around the store trying to look for things to take a picture of but instead run across some room where it looks like a party is going to happen. There are flowers on one table, crappily wrapped tiny presents on another, and utensils on the last...? So I'm trying to gather one of each item to take a picture of but they all suck. So I run back into the store and I'm heading towards I guess the mall exit when I hear someone yelling, "Hey!" a few time. I ignored it but I turn around and it still wasn't for me, but I notice this escalator going downstairs that somehow I knew led to that park place. Anyway, I run outside the store, look to my left and it's fucking Zellers again. I walk in and it's a different store, but different people and for some reason, I felt like I was supposed to be working.

That's all I can remember. I hope that's not some sort of sign that I should be working at Zellers again...

I have nothing to say

Well, nothing particular. Just had nothing to do, was looking around my blog and felt like writing something.

My dad said he'd get me a digital camera for my birthday off of Air Miles and I've been eyeing the Olympus C-7000. It would be nice and handy to have a camera, especially when I'm away from home. I can take random pictures and post them. I'm leaning towards a small pocketable camera. Although they aren't nearly as good as SLRs can be, I'm not too big on getting super nice looking photos but rather be able to capture moments but still be good enough to experiment with photography. Of course, I don't want to be stuck with a small camera that sucks seeing as I probably wouldn't buy a camera for a long long time.

Hehe, I applied for yet another credit card. This time I get one Air Mile for every $20! lol It should arrive in the mail soon. huzzah!

-----

It's been raining for almost a week straight in Calgary and at first it just seemed so gloomy but this morning for some reason it feels nice. From my desk I can see down the road on the hill infront of my house and over the park and into the fog over the river. Everything seems so serene. The sound of the rain, the birds, and the water trickling off the roof. It kind of reminds me of the days back in elementary school when it would pour outside and everyone would run inside but a few of us stayed. Everything felt good back then, we didn't care if we got soaked to our bones because we knew we could just dry ourselves off. We didn't care if we damaged our clothes, ruined our shoes, or ruined our hair. If only life was as carefree.

That's all I got for now.

Riding the rails

So I was surfing the net and somehow I came across a website written by a handful of train lovers. I noticed it talked about Calgary's C-Train line.

Apparently back in 1980 when the C-Train was first started, Calgary Transit had proposed to construct a subway system. Now, people call our system a "subway" system now but it's considered "above ground subway" [so basically a train]. Upon further reading it seems that the City of Calgary had built many subway lines, mainly downtown. Supposedly there are tunnels under 8th, 4th, 5th and the main CP Rail train line along with a "secret" tunnel that is walled off. The secret tunnel goes exactly under City Hall and opens up into the Alderman's parking lot. Presently there is a red sign above the hatch that reads "Special Procedures Apply", although this is information from 2002. There are a few pictures of the underground passages but not too many. Along with the tunnels there is a half completed subway station with apparently four tracks, two side stations and one island station. Someone was quoted as saying "long-term plans include a downtown subway" or something like that.

There are also supposedly tunnels under the University of Calgary and numerous "pedestrian tunnels" under both the University and downtown. Imagine Calgary with a real subway system.

From the looks of it, from my perspective, it looks as though Calgary changed it's mind on a subway idea, afterall I'm sure it would be quite an expensive and hard task to do if they wanted to continue it now.

More rail news, if you hadn't heard on the news a long while ago, it seems the "bullet" train that was proposed to go between Calgary and Edmonton may soon be a reality.
In October of 2004, the City of Calgary had received a completed document on the feasability of this proposed train. Apparently it's quite feasable, more so than the expansion of former Highway 2 [now Queen Elizabeth II highway].

How about that? A bullet train in North America.


In other random train info, apparently there were proposals for light rail transit systems in other places such as Winnipeg, Kitchener-Waterloo... that's all I could really remember. Those were the only ones that interested me really.

That's all. Thought I'd share something I found interesting.